LOSS & BEREAVEMENT
Though I am lucky and appreciative of my wonderful family and friends.
I haven’t had the easiest of years - especially over the past 10 years.
Life can be so tough, so painful. But through my pain, I’ve always tried to keep positive and take that positivity to gain more knowledge in life. But not just knowledge on life.
Knowledge of this World in which we live in, its nature, its history, our astrology, spirituality, love, wellbeing, understanding and openness.
I've recently learnt the importance of taking care of my body and about my relationship with food. Although, my Cancer is the source of my genetic coding, it doesn't mean I shouldn't have a better relationship with my body, my temple.
I will always try to grow and improve my life for the better and enjoy the beauty this world has to offer.
I’ve never been about money, having goals of being a millionaire or being popular on social media. All I want is to not struggle and be happy.
I want a life of peace, not just for me and my loved ones, but for the entire human race (sounds like the MJ song).
I desire a life of love for one another, a life of beauty and creativity.
One painful, heart-breaking loss which I still cope with day-to-day, but with love, is the sad passing of my beautiful brother in 2008.
I lost my oldest brother when I was 20 years old.
He was at the tender young age of 28 at the time of this death.
Being 31 years old now, I see how difficult it is being an adult and the pressures we face. I only wish he held on.
He committed suicide and hung himself at his home. A haunting picture for me to this day. It pains me so. The pain he was in, the guts to do such an act. His undeniable strong desire to want to leave this world and find his peace. God I miss him like crazy. But he taught me so much, while he was alive and still to this day.
I had some anger towards him that he had left us. But much more sadness.
So much in his life that he had experienced, especially near the end, culminated in him taking his own life.
I knew him so well, I knew he was the softest person you could imagine. But hard on the outside.
He had a loving and doting nature, such a fantastic smile and ora about him. He would light up a room and be noticed. But he always kept this hard exterior about him, his strong exterior would help protect him from all the pain he was experiencing from people he came across in his lifetime.
Even relatives came to show their true colours just before and after he died.
All I say, is Thank You, that we have nothing to do with those type of people and my brother Viresh was protecting us from those nasty people even in his spirit.
It’s too much to explain. But not just that, bringing up that negativity is difficult to bare. All I will say is that there are many evil people in this world, liars, immoral and selfish people.
I can tell you from experience to always have yourself surrounded by good, honest, true, caring, loving people. People who genuinely love you and care about you. It will make you so much happier, free and help you to live a true and loving life without the influence of people who use your good nature to bring you down for their gain.
Evilness can be hard to spot, especially if you love those people.
But when your world turns upside down, and those that you thought truly loved you, actually don’t, and show you with their actions, it can speak wonders. Actions speak louder than words.
But even though I knew my brother so well. He was protecting me from his fears, protecting me from his pain – I wish he talked to me about it, but he saw me as his baby sister.
At times he would just cry with me and I would hold him and tell him I love him. I cry just typing this...
But for me, he was a love. A love that I had lost. But a love that I would rather have had, then to have never experienced at all, even if it was for just a short while.
A few months or even a year before he died. I had four dreams. Each dream exactly the same.
I have two brothers, my second older brother I absolutely adore as well, even though he was known as my annoying brother when we were younger. I’ve always seen him as an amazing man, a magnificent influence in my life to this day.
But in this first dream I had, it was so vivid that each time I would wake up in tremendous tears and pain.
I dreamt that my brother, but I didn’t know which one, had died.
One of my brothers was in an elevator, whom was dead, on some sort of platform or table with a sheet over him, all I could see was his feet.
Both my brothers are taller than 6 foot with large feet, so I couldn’t differentiate between them. I didn't know which brother it was.
I tried to figure out and see who it was, all I knew and felt in my dream, was that it was my brother. But which one!?
Then the elevator doors closed and he went up.
For some reason I thought and assumed it was my second oldest brother Jayesh. I don’t know why, as I couldn’t see the face of whom was laying on the platform table, with the sheet covering them.
If you are to understand my view on my older brother and how I saw him – he was my bullet proof vest, my hero, the strongest man I knew, the ultimate fearless man in the world. Someone who I’d never think would die young, a person that would always be there.
Whereas, my second oldest brother, even though he was also my protector, Viresh was still his protector too.
Jayesh was young 24 or 25. He is caring, empathic, kind, strong, a spiritual soul, highly intelligent, whitty, silly and viewed Viresh in the same light as I did.
As our bullet proof vest.
This was the process of thought that went through my mind in that split second just after my dream. That it couldn't be Viresh, he was our protector.
As I woke up in absolute sadness and tears. I thought, Jayesh, I don’t want him to die. I just couldn’t think that it could be Viresh.
I ran to Jayesh’s bedroom in the middle of the night, as silent as I could be on the creaky floors, to check if he was there, alive and breathing.
I then headed back to sleep in relief that it’s not true, but still in fear, telling myself it’s just a dream.
Not long after, I experienced three dreams, all exactly the same as the last, all assuming it was my second oldest brother Jayesh. Going through the same motions of waking up in absolute pain and tears and running to his room, checking he was alive.
I had this dream 4 times over a period of a few weeks, months before Viresh died.
Soon after, I received a call one Sunday.
It was that call. A call you'd never imagine could happen. A hysterical call...
It was the call to say that my brother had hung himself, my oldest brother Viresh.
My Viresh, my brother, my Viresh...
My bullet proof vest...
My fears became true. My heart was broken forever…
Words cannot describe the feeling of pain I felt when I arrived at his house.
I ran out the car and ran to the policeman, I asked him "Is he gone?".
He sadly said "I'm sorry, he's passed."
I dropped to my knees.
I couldn't believe it was true.
It was true...
The physical pain on my heart was excruciating.
The weight on my heart, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think straight. I was lost. Our family was shattered. My mother was never the same.
I just couldn't comprehend my life without him, it was unbearable. It's still hard to this day.
The absolute and undeniable fear I felt was unfathomable. He was in my view my ultimate protection from fear.
All my fears about life came at me like a knife. I was fearful of life, just not myself.
Anxiety, depression, fear, low-self esteem, anger, rage, recklessness, loneliness. I remember crying everyday for a long time.
I couldn’t even comprehend my brothers pain and anguish, his hurt, the life he went through to take him to this path. His lack of fear from dying.
Was there anything we could have done to save him…Did I do enough, did we do enough.
So many questions. So much anger…
I asked the Universe to help me understand his pain. I won’t say how, but I felt it over the years. I experienced the pain he did in all its forms and I understood not all of his pain, but enough to love him no matter what.
I’ve never been angry at him for choosing to leave us. I only wanted to understand why.
He was selfish to leave us, a coward for giving up. But extremely brave to face death.
To carry out the act he did, till his last breath takes a form of strength and weakness. He felt no-one could help him, that no-one would understand, I mean truly understand. It’s a journey he took on his own. A journey he felt was right for him.
I love him so much!
During this excruciating pain of losing my brother, I had to see my parents and I’m older brother deal with this tremendous loss too.
I’m not a mother myself and may never get to be.
But to see the pain that my mother had to endure, losing her first born, was just agonising.
She was a strong, beautiful, intelligent, caring, kind mother who was wise and gave us everything she could. She did give us everything including the unconditional love of a selfless mother.
Sadly, in late 2016 my beautiful Mother passed away of Gall Bladder Cancer.
Losing 2 members of your family at such early stages in your life is just life-changing. Forever changing your perspective on life.
My mother was so inspirational to me, achieving so much in her lifetime.
Not only being a dedicated mother of three; at the same time she was Teacher, had a Pilots Licence, was a Homeopathic Doctor, a Double Decker Bus Driver and that's just some of the many things she did in her 61 years.
I have such fond memories with her when I used to go flying with her at Elstree Aerodrome, in the single engine planes. It was phenomenal and the most wonderful experience being flown around the UK by her. She was a fantastic Pilot and her landings were so smooth every time.
I miss her so much!
I do wonder what would have happened if she was more open with us about her Cancer and if she took Chemotherapy.
Due to her knowledge as a Homeopathic Doctor, she almost had a blind and closed view. She was not open to pharmaceutical medicine and just didn't believe in it. So when it came to the Oncologist offering her Chemotherapy, she was so close to doing it, but then backed out. I remember her shaking with anxiety when she was to agree to chemotherapy.
She was never truly open about her Cancer - years earlier before her death. She would do her best to try and heal herself, with Homeopathic Medicines and Yoga, which we realised later. But when the diagnosis happened that she had Cancer in her Gallbladder it was almost too late. But she didn't want Chemotherapy, she didn't believe in it.
It would have pro-longed her life for many a few more months, who knows even a few years. But her pride and fear stopped her. We couldn't force her, it was her body, her choice. We tried to convince her, but I don't think she truly believed that she only had 4 months left to live (as the Oncologist had said). As she didn't feel like she was going to die. She was very positive. But as predicted, she was deteriorating and went exactly 4 months later.
I am so grateful that she saw me get married in Santorini, at our Dream Wedding. She absolutely loved it!
Only 4 months after we got married, she passed away.
What I’ve learnt about life, is that there will always be pain. There will always be obstacles, always be tests, always be difficulties. It’s the world in which we live in.
But at the same time, there is so much love to be given and to be received. So much beauty in this world to experience.
Life can also be beautiful and we shouldn't let it pass us by.
I appreciate what I have, I feel lucky to have what I have. There are many others in this world whom have gone through much worse.
I don't want to complain about my life. I don't mind venting though. It's good for my mental health.
There's always greener grass waiting on the other side.
After all this. Many questions arose along the way…
What is the meaning of life. Why are we here... these are just the basic questions. I've been on my spiritual journey for a long time now - learning and learning all the time. Being open to all possibilities. It's a personal journey for me, something that I keep to myself.
The knowledge is un-bounding.
10 years down the line and now I face my fate. Although I know I will be fine. Cancer is something that is life-changing.